"Deep
into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing,
doubting. Dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." - Edgar Allan Poe
Depression is a
silent and painful illness that, while being relatively common, is largely
ignored or misunderstood by our society. I started writing this ramble partly
due to the saddening news about Robin Williams’ death and partly due to my own
problems that have reared their ugly head again in the last few months. My aim
today is to dispel some myths regarding depression and talk a bit about my own
struggles with it [Please Note: At this
point, I initially attempted to give depression a nickname much like cancer is
“The Big C”. It wasn’t until I had typed it, however, that I realised that a
ramble about me struggling with “The Big D” would undoubtedly be
misinterpreted]
The
main myth that I’ve found surrounding depression is that, if you’re suffering
from it, you suddenly turn into Wednesday Addams which is obviously not the case.
In my personal experience, I have found that it’s a case of good days and bad
days except the “good” days are just okay and the “bad” days are soul
crushingly horrible.
The actual
feeling of depression itself is not what people assume. In my experience, I
have found that it is not so much sadness that you feel but rather a
vacuum-like emptiness or supreme apathy. It’s a feeling that is less “I’m too
sad to do anything” and more “what’s the point of doing anything” and let me
tell you, it’s a bloody horrible feeling. It’s like being caught in quicksand
whilst drowning and you feel like there’s no way out. Even if your friends and
loved ones are around you, you feel alone.
There are moments
of positivity like seeing friends but this is fleeting and can ultimately leave
you feeling drained; especially when you’re dealing with people who don’t
understand what it’s like. They tell you to “look for the silver lining” and
other such pointless platitudes that only serve to add more stress to someone
already struggling to cope. “Now now, oh sultan of sadness” you sternly pipe up
“those people are attempting to provide a support structure and shouldn’t be
mocked for it” and, yes, I respect that their advice comes with the best of
intentions but, like a toenail in a burger, it is unwelcome (unless toenail
burgers are your particular “thing”, in which case, I’m not judging). If
someone in your life is struggling, bombarding them with platitudes and forced
social situations is not the answer; what I found I needed was someone letting
me know that they’re here for me if I need them to be but if I don’t, they
wouldn’t push for interaction. Personal wishes should, of course, be overridden
if you feel that someone is going to harm themselves or others; in which case
you show up at their door and convince them to get help.
Sometimes, no
matter how strong someone is, the darkness can be overwhelming and taking your
life can seem like the only way out. Speaking as someone who has got that low,
it is a horrible place to be. You feel like there’s nothing left; nothing to
fight for and you let yourself slip away in whatever fashion you have chosen.
When I got that low, my head was swirling with all sorts of terrible thoughts;
I felt isolated and abandoned but, perhaps worst of all, my deepest fear took a
firmer root in my mind than ever before. My deepest fear, as many of you may
know, is becoming the same sort of monster as my father and when you feel low
enough to end it all, imagining growing into everything you hate makes it easier
to give up.
Trust me on this.
Long story still
kind of long; I didn’t die (I know; spoiler) and have since sought assistance
in rebuilding myself stronger than ever. I realised that, for far too much
time, I had been making choices because of everything that happened to me when
I was younger but it’s about time I started making choices in spite of it.
Rather than defining myself by my mistakes and my trials, I’ve started to
define myself by my achievements and my victories. Don’t focus on the times you
stumbled; learn from them and use that knowledge to help those around you.
If any of you
ever feel like you’re alone and you need someone to talk to then please talk to
me. I can’t promise miracles but I can promise offensive jokes, rum and pizza
which is pretty much the same as miracles.
Thanks for
reading this incredibly cheerful ramble today. I’ll leave you with a quote from
John Keating in Dead Poets Society-
“We don't read and
write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members
of the human race and the human race is filled with passion… and medicine, law,
business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life but
poetry, beauty, romance, love; these are what we stay alive for. To quote from
Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the
questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of
cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?"
Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful
play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and
you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”
